BUS! MAGIC BUS!

Public transportation is everyone’s favorite thing to bitch about, myself included. I realize, much to my creative chagrin, that probably 90% of my tweets are about some hoodrat bullshiz goin’ down on San Francisco’s Muni at any given moment. Perhaps this is because I spend the majority of my life on the bus, but I’d like to think that it’s more so based off the fact that the people in this town are the most shameless group of hell-beasts  in the entire world.

See, the thing about public transportation is it forces people who would never touch each other with a 10-foot pole to stand next to each other in a 10-foot tube, sometimes, (especially on rainy days for some horrifying, coincidental reason) so close that you are forced to know the scent of the other. Clearly this is a recipe for some of the rawest human interactions since the first season of Real World, I’m talking straight up Heather B. shit here!

Viral internet hoopla has definitely brought the amazing theatrics that us commuters are  treated to on a regular basis to the public, but as a Muni Lifer I’ve seen the stuff that was too hot for TV…

BY FAR the WORST thing that has ever happened to me (in the history of my life?) was on the 47 Van Ness, rainy winter day, c. 2002. Bus packed like sardines, homeless people sippin’ on King Cobra’s in the front seats. Clearly not phased by what was occurring, they were toothlessly jeering at all of us poor, unfortunate souls trapped in the humid steel trap about to pass out from the sight and smell of yellow diarrhea mysteriously covering a row of seats. Pretty sure that bomb was worse than the one about to detonate in Speed, not even Keanu could have saved us.

Best bus to make fast friends on: 14 Mission. This dude's girlfriend told us a story about how she was on her way to turn herself in at the Misison Police Station. Then he proceeded to ask me for my #. "THIS IS A PHONE NUMBER ARREST BABY!"

Then there was my friend, “Marshmallow Meth Face,” I would usually encounter him on the N-Judah where he would board at Civic Center with his Dora the Explorer baby stroller full of trash, dirty Reebok sneakers and other detritus. Rain or shine he wore a make-shift poncho and was always giggling uncontrollably displaying his 3 remaining rotting teeth, his face was covered in scabs. I really had a chance to study this guy, by the time the train was heading towards the Ballpark stop, and most of the commuters had emptied out in the Financial District, it would be me and him alone in the car, this was when he would usually begin to “roast” his marshmallows. He would rustle around in the stroller of doom, elbow deep in his belongings and procure a bag of mini marshmallows, I was always real impressed because they were never generic brand, always Jet Puffed. High class. He would proceed to take a handful and mash them together in his greasy, dirt caked paws, then pull out a lighter (I assume the same one he used to set numerous crack rocks ablaze) and he would quite literally roast the marshmallows in the back of the N-Judah, laughing the day away. Quite ingenious actually. I wonder what ever happened to my campfire companion…

not amused.

Of course not everything is marshmallows and diarrhea on public transportation. Some of the most near-apocalyptic, rage-blackout moments have occurred to me aboard the bus. This post would not be complete without a quick list of my Muni Pet Peeves…

-When people cause a huge, embarassing stink by yelling “BACK DOOR” when all you have to do is STEP DOWN and the doors will automatically open.

-When people cause a huuuuge fuckin’ stir, climbing over other seats, causing mild concussions, hitting small children with their TimBuk2 and Chrome bags in order to get to the door in time for the next stop when the bus is STILL IN MOTION ON ITS WAY TO THE STOP. When was the last time you saw someone not make it out in time once the bus reached the stop? NEVER.

-When the bus driver awkwardly announces all the landmarks at each stop to a train full of local commuter-zombies, who have yet to sufficiently caffeinate themselves, at 8am on a Monday. “Civic Center, Asian Art Museum, Davies Symphony Hall, Opera House.” Look, I understand you’re just trying to make your own day a little less miserable, but NO ONE on this train is on his way to La Boheme, alright?!

-Pink “Thank You” bags full of raw squids and other things that I DON’T need to smell. (Think Borat, wild chicken on the Subway scene)

-Ok, this isn’t really a pet peeve, more of a mystery, but why do ghetto ass dudes who are clearly friends always sit in the very last row of the bus on complete opposite ends like they’ve never met??

one of my best mobile captures to date aboard the last 38 geary, outbound, some friday night awhile ago.

God, there is just so much to say about public transportation as a social phenom. I could go on for days…but….

…I seriously have to catch the bus. Not kidding.

-