Is This Real Life? Dinner Cruise Edition.

A few weeks ago I went on a “lavish” dinner cruise on the San Francisco Bay. These cruises run about 90 bucks, which is why I obviously made sure my maiden voyage was comped courtesy of a good friend who just so happens to snap the “professional” photos of all the overdressed lovers in front of a fake buoy as they board. I’m always convinced that these types of photos are not only souvenirs, but they also serve as documentation, just in the event that this seemingly unsinkable buffet barge were to go down and everyone on board perished.

Date Night?

Romance was in the air....

Anyways—-

It was PMA (pretty much amazing.) And by PMA, you know what i’m getting at: like the tackiest wedding EVER of the people you hope never to know.

It still boggles my half-J.A.P mind (thanks a lot DAD) that some people actually go on these things with a night of true romance in mind. Trust me, they do! We had the pleasure of joining about 50 couples ages 21-81 on their anniversary nights (and two bachelorette parties in the mix for good measure) Trust me again, the DJ, a goofy looking 50-something year-old dude in a Hawaiian shirt who goes by possibly the worst emcee name in history: DJ MR. SPIN, announced these happy occasions before playing the romantic song dedications (read: Goo Goo Dolls and Tim McGraw) In between these odes to true love he announced the OSHA rules and regs. for the buffet, which really gets me in the mood.

"please, for health reasons, use a fresh plate each time you visit the buffet"

We were seated at table 12, for two. To our right was the bridge and tunnel romance fest, and behind us, the bachelorettes and their nautical themed bridal parties were obnoxiously giggling while taking pictures with the Mexican buffet staff (it’s part of a scavenger hunt!) We “daintily nibbled” on the decadent buffet and took in some of the most amazing people watching I have ever been privy to:

There was this one couple straight out of Sixteen and Pregnant (minus the pregnancy part…but that probs. became part of the equation later that night.) She was dressed to the nines in Forever 21 couture and 6 inch stilettos, when she got chilly, he offered her his oversized sport coat as they both awkwardly sipped on a bottle of Moet. This dude pulled out the STOPS. My idea of 21 year old romance was a five-dollar pitcher of Bud Light at trivia night, but then again I’ve always had questionable standards. Icing on top: when they did a solo turn on the floor as the DJ played “their song”: it’s just meeee and youuuuu…and all of the people…with nothing to do…nothing to lose…(by Lifehouse, I just had to google that. Ew. I feel dirty.) They probably had their first kiss to it in his Ford Explorer in the parking lot of the football stadium after homecoming. Ok, I have to stop because my bitterness is becoming apparent.

So, then there was the middle aged double date next to us, which seemed tame enough, minus the bedazzled kitten heels and Kate Gosselin c. 2006 hair-dos. It was all pretty PG until they ordered a few more rounds of Cornoas and DJ MR. SPIN decided to turn the beat around. Once he flipped the switch on his multi-colored disco light and pumped up Beyonce’s “Single Ladies,” I knew shit was about to get weird. I have never seen, nor did I ever think I WOULD see a 60-year-old straight man, who looks like he coaches football at some high school in the ‘burbs, grind with his wife to this song. Just a note to all potential suitors out there reading this: you’ll never have to do that for me to keep the spark alive. ever.

If you like it then you should'a put a ring on it boss!

After a bottle of wine and a full plate of chocolate covered strawberries (all you can eat, baby!) I didn’t think things could get MORE hilarious…ohhh but they did. The dance floor flooded with the most bizarre mixture of people when “Apple Bottom Jeans” came on (DJ MR. SPIN kills it.) There were Filipino grannies tootin’ it and bootin’ it next to thugged out homies and their girls getting hella low, next to the 60-year-old should-be football coach who was casting an invisible fishing line out to one of the bachelorettes who caught it in her mouth….and then….the Electric Slide started…and obviously at this point we were in no position to fight it anymore, so we got up…and we did it. And it was magic.

The dance floor, life's equalizer.

Bottom line—Buffets will never be romantic, but the buffet level of the California Hornblower might truly be the only JUDGEMENT FREE ZONE left on earth.

decadent.