Love In This Club (and by club I mean the supermarket)

Finding a soul mate in the supermarket. Sounds like a tag-line for worst RomCom ever. But seriously, why have people collectively decided over the years that ________(insert name of local grocery chain here) is a fertile breeding ground for love?

Growing up in Georgetown in Washington, DC I remember my mom making jokes to my Dad about the guy who tried to flirt with her in line at the “Social Safeway,” which was the nickname given to the Safeway by our house. Georgetown is a breeding ground for yuppies, and during the dark ages, before people got all romantic on the internet, I figured the supermarket was the best you could do in terms of meeting other singles, better than the bus, I guess.

But it wasn’t just a phenom. in the Capital City, when we moved to San Francisco, lo-and-behold…Dateway! Otherwise known as the Marina Safeway. If there was a fly-tape you could hang up for white yuppies (sidenote: are there any other kid of yuppies?), the Marina neighborhood in San Francisco would be that fly tape. Even now, in the golden age of online dating, bitches are STILL putting on a little extra rouge and a new LuLu Lemon headband to ensure that checkout, check-out. See what I did there? And, those bachelor-for-life types who are pushing 50, they’re posted up next to the California cabs., just waiting for those single ass-cheeks in expensive yoga pants to cruise by, baskets empty, save for a bag of romaine hearts and a small tub of greek yogurt, in need of a suggestion for a good half-bottle (dinner for one.) Boom. Done. It’s a jungle out there.

I know what you’re thinking: “Claire, that stuff is for rich, conservative, white dudes in hedge funds and girls with family money, and golden retrievers to walk during the day, and gym memberships. Girl, that aint me! I drink whiskey and eat at food trucks! Where’s MY love waiting?

Fear not, young, hip, part-time barista, the same shit goes down at WHOLE FOODS!

First, wait till people are looking before you lock your custom bike up outside, a sick paint job is a great conversation starter. Ladies: make sure your bangs are in order and your lips look like Zooey Deschanel’s, if you have tats, who am I kidding, OF COURSE you have tats, make sure to wear something to show that line-work off. If you’re a guy, pull down that beanie, button up that flannel and head straight to the coconut juice, bitches fiend for that ‘ish!  And remember, it’s not just the other shoppers you should keep your eye out for, the employees are equally as enticing. Dude behind the butcher counter is actually a vegan like you, and O.M.G., I think he works as a bouncer at your favorite piss-and-PBR scented dive bar on Saturday nights, ya, he totes does! What about the guy building a pyramid of clarified butter in the dairy section… ew, wait, not him, you winked at him on OkCupid once and he did NOT wink back. Maybe you should still ask him about milk substitutes for baking, you look like a completely different person in your profile pictures so he probably won’t put the pieces together. Plus, he HAS to talk to you this time, it’s his JOB. 

Love in a grocery store, apparently it’s a tried and true method. And I guess everyone’s so sober, it just might work.

 

 

“does this peanut butter make me look fat?” 

“babes dig marshmallows.”