Holiday Detritus
Things I could do without during the holiday season:
“Grill Wreaths”: Wreaths affixed to the front of a car, usually an obnoxious pre-hybrid era SUV, American model station wagon or God forbid, a mini-van. It aint cute. It might catch on fire. Don’t even get me started on “car antlers.” Why?
that vanity plate: insult to injury. (ps: follow me on IG)
Salvation Army Bells Ringing: Well, Jimmy Stewart, a lot of angels seem to be getting their wings right now, because every time I step out the damn door all I hear is bells. Can a bitch buy a bottle of $9 champagne at Safeway without busting out her ear drums? A tube of toothpaste at Walgreens? Come on. How do these holiday jingle janglers keep it together? It’s deafening. And maddening.
Winter: The season that houses the holidays. I live in California so, ok, I’m a pussy, but it gets dark at 4pm here too!
Family Newsletters in Holiday Cards: Suzy loves her new horse Gizmo, Joey made honor roll and was MVP of the golf team. Greg came out of the closet. Tim and I are looking forward to celebrating our 35th in Tuscany. Wait, Who are these people again?
Political Correctness in Corporate Decor: Check out this gargantuan tree with 20 million LED lights! Oh, and there’s a 6ft tall menorah around back. No one cares about Hanukkah, not even Jews, don’t even bother.
10 bucks says he thinks that's the "candle stick" from Clue.
Adults in Santa Hats: It’s made of some material derived from fiber glass, you bought it at CVS, there is no way that thing is keeping you warm. It only serves one purpose: making you look like an elf in a serious identity crisis. Plus, you’re wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase. Extra hate points to NFL branded santa hats. OH. MY. GOD.
Naughty Santa Accessories: Come on. It’s just wrong. Mistletoe belt? Is that supposed to make soliciting the entire bar for a BJ, “cute?” Santa Neglige? Um hi, Santa is a diabetic, obese dude who qualifies for the Senior Citizen rate at participating locations, is he really qualified to advise the Victoria Secret design team? I blame Cole Porter or Mother Goose, or who ever came up with ye olde world christmas traditions for instituting the “naughty list”, giving 21st century pervs an excuse to tie each other up with velveteen sashes and use candy cane ball gags.
I gotta put this on my MYSPACE page!
Xmas Cards From Companies: Self explanatory. Waste of paper. And, do you really think you’re fooling me with that “Lucidia Handwriting” font “signature?” Not to mention, I only got dental surgery once, 10 years ago, and I hope I never need it again. Give up.
Starbucks Holiday Drinks: Coming from someone who drinks regular coffee purely to be a half-way tolerable in the mornings, these froo-froo drinks in fancy cups just hold up the line. And why do people feel so fancy and festive drinking them? It’s Starbucks people, not Cristal. And let’s cool the Facebook status updates about those too: “OMG JUST GOT MY FRIST GINGERBREAD SANTA NUTMEG PEPPERMINT HOLIDAY MOCHA FRAPPE OF THE SEASON!” (dislike)
oh, America.
Eggnog: Each to his own, but serious BARF.
Of course, there are some things I like about the holidays, seasonal beer, the smell of pine, the lights on the side of the Embarcadero Center, the fact that my BFFs come back to SF and their parents cook for me, Home Alone playing on loop on network TV. Oh, and of course this song:
