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Online Dating: 404 Error.

March 20, 2012

OK. I’m coming clean, I’ve tried online dating. A few years ago I signed up for OKCupid for a few months, just like at one point in my life I signed up for Friendster, and myspace and Facebook and Black Planet (true story) and just about every other social site of the moment. What can I say? I live life in the fast lane…on the information super highway.

I was curious about online dating, just like I’m sure everyone is, even if they’re too proud to admit it. First off, all those people who would “NEVER” try online dating: big, fat liars. I’ve come across your profiles while browsing, awwwwkward. The truth is, a shit ton of people are on OkCupid, and not all of them are ugly!  Although, like any microcosm of the real world, there are fugs and there are creeps.

No doubt, there is a stigma behind it, but it’s tempting to think you can browse for potential boos while in your pajamas, on the couch, looking like complete shit. Find a boyfriend without ever turning off the Law and Order SVU marathon you’ve been sucked into for 4 hours! What’s the worst that could happen if you meet someone for a date? Probably score a few beers, a burrito, maybe even a bong rip if you’re lucky! We’re talking OKCupid here people, if you want barrel tastings and Kobe beef you best hoof it on over to AshleyMadison.com

If you couldn’t already tell, this post is not meant to extoll the virtues of online dating. I am not here to tell you that 1 out of 5 relationships now begin online. I am here to tell you that online dating is pretty much a farce, in fact, it’s almost as painful as real-life dating. The main difference lies in the fact that dating sites offer an endless stream of on-demand suitors, meaning you can validate yourself with a new prospect every day of the week if you want! Warning: going on multiple dates within a short period of time will lead to dating overdose. It’s sorta like a drug, and I’m seeing peeps hitting rock bottom left and right.

#1 problem with online dating: people don’t ever have to “settle.” I know your Mom told you never to settle, but this is different.

Free online dating sites are like revolving doors, since you haven’t invested money in trying to find love (and if you are shelling out the big bucks for internet dating you better be a 50+ divorcee or else, you will be judged) you most likely aren’t prepared to be invested in anyone you connect with on the site to begin with. In fact, you probably joined for the same reason I did, because you were curious! I’m pretty sure that if online dating came up in conversation you’d be the first to bash it: “my roommate signed me up as a joke, dude!” See, bad attitude already!

Just like in real life dating not everyone on these sites is on the same page when it comes to what they want, some people are genuinely “tired of kissing frogs, trying to find my prince.” By “these people” I mean women, and majority of women join these sites because they want to find boyfriends, not because they want to casually date. In fact, online dating is marketed as a way to eliminate the casual dating scene/games all together. But, wait, that could never work because you are sourcing your dates from a pool of  men online who are no different from the pool of men you come across in your everyday “offline” life, in fact, they actually are THE EXACT SAME MEN, just brought to you via their spiffy, witty, profiles online in the privacy of your home. Whoa. Meta. For the most part I’m under the impression that dudes (and some lady-beasts) sign up for free online dating because it will up the amount of free offline pussaaayyyyy, bro. Duh. What do they have to lose (aside from their virginity)?

Basically, what I’m trying to say is that free online dating sites rarely lead to relationships, they just lead to a bunch of dead-end dates that help to legitimize the end goal of hooking-up (that is, if your date even ends up looking the same in real life as he did in his pixxx) And hey, if you sleep together on the first date at least there was a date to begin with, right? And here we are again, just re-solidifiying the whole “casual hook-up, commitment-phobic” lifestyle that has been horrifying our elders for years. I’m sure Neil Clark Warren, the 77-year-old Christian Theologian who founded eHarmony would be most perturbed to discover this.

Of course, I’m sure there are some people with wholesome intentions on these sites, but this just opens up an entirely different can of worms. The date may have gone well, this guy/gal could really be THE ONE, but what’s to say either party can’t (and won’t) go home that very same night and tempt the fates by pulling the slot machine handle again? You might come up with with a better hand, after all, thousands more eligible singles are signing up every hour! So why settle for the nice dude you just had a nice date with? For all you know, the OkCupid algorithm has your TRUE prince charming just waiting in the digital wings! It’s just too easy!

The moral of the story is: fate doesn’t translate online. Why don’t you try it the old fashioned way and meet someone through your friends…IRL. (That’s internet slang for “In Real Life.”)

Here is the founder of eHarmony and his wife. How does this man even know how the internet works?!

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