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“Can You NOT?!” The Gym Edition.

March 22, 2012

People love to make a big deal about “etiquette,” it’s like some ancient art form that no one really practices anymore yet we feel compelled to keep it around as if to show we’re making an effort. Psh! As if anything could make a society who takes secret phone pix of fat strangers on the bus civilized.

The gym is the #1 preacher of modern day etiquette, which basically means they put up a butt load of signs. Every God damn day there’s a new one: what not to do with your cell phone, what to wipe the machine down with, how much time to spend on the treadmill when other people are waiting to use it, how NOT to spray perfume or “other scents” in the locker room, how to properly operate the water fountain. The rules of common decency are super exhausting!

As far as I’m concerned they can put up signs ’till they’re blue in the face at the YMCA, but that’s not gonna counteract some of the shenanigans that have been rocking my world lately. Trust me, they don’t make Microsoft Word Art bold enough to prevent this level of annoyance.

If I was livin’ in a McWorld, these would be my “gym etiquette” signs (hey, it could happen):

> “Please stop silently competing with the person next to you on the treadmill by stealing glances at her speed every 3 seconds and adjusting yours accordingly.”

> “Please do not stand on an elliptical machine you are not actively utilizing so that you can gossip with your friend, some of us are trying to get our heart-rate’s up the old fashioned way, not via tales of your lying, cheating, ex-fiance.”

> “Please refrain from entering the weight room for the sole purpose of awkwardly kissing your fiance mid-pump, there aren’t any spandex-clad asses for him to check out in there anyways!”

> “Don’t use equipment for un-intended purposes. Newsflash: peddling backwards on the elliptical for 30-minutes DOES NOTHING. Neither does holding a free-weight while bending at the side repeatedly.”

> “We are aware that some of our clients take pride in their un-tamed pubic regions, however, as a respect to your fellow members, aggressive nudity in the locker room is STRICTLY prohibited”

> “Denim and velcro shoes may not be worn in place of standard workout attire”

GET IT TOGETHER!

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